Jess Rodriguez

The Test

The machine technician presses what looks like a blood pressure bulb into the palm of your hand and wraps your fingers around it. “We can hear you but squeeze this if you need to get out of there at any point.” Her tone is soft and even. If you open your mouth no sound will come out, you’ve swallowed your voice to keep it from betraying you. Instead you nod. Your body is already tightly strapped down onto the beige bed. They don’t warn you about the strap that gets placed over your head and tightened but you’re expecting the helmet that gets clamped down immediately after. On the inside of the plastic shell are two tiny slivers of mirror directly over your eyes and your own reflection there is startling. The machine technician touches your hand again and says, “It’s time, close your eyes. Keep them closed.” You want to nod because you want to reassure her you’ll do as you’re told but you’re immobile so you close your eyes swiftly instead. For a moment you’re able to hold them back but the tears release from your eyes slowly. They run down your face and you’re embarrassed. There’s no way to wipe the tears away so they stream unencumbered down your temples and into your hairline. As your body moves into the tube the side walls squeeze you in even tighter and for a moment you are unsure if you will be able to make it through the test, you’re unsure if your whole body can hold its breath. The buzzing noise the machine begins making sounds like a distant alarm but then it shifts and you are at the heart of a tornado. You squeeze your eyes shut tighter; the tears haven’t abated. Your Nana hated this too. That’s a memory your father repeats often, how she complained and argued against having to sit in this tube. Your thoughts return to this because it’s the one thing you’ve avoided focusing on all day. The machine shifts beats and now you are under siege and the tears continue and all you can repeat to yourself is, “Don’t let it end like Grandma.”

About the Author

Jess Rodriguez is a Chicana/Mexican-American writer from Los Angeles, now living in Manhattan.